Solar Return

29. It's weird for me to think of myself towards the end of another decade. It is also funny how for my 29th birthday, I invited a small number of friends over to watch Spy Kids 1 + 2 and eat take-out and cupcakes. It was probably one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. We bantered the movies over the terrible early 2000's CGI, surprised to see some terrific actors in a kid's movie, and just giggling over the goofy dialogue. I do remember loving that movie and watching it repeatedly as a child.

After many changes and failures after a year, I needed a birthday party to mark a fresh start. There was something rather refreshing about having such an innocent birthday. I didn't want to have a birthday where my head is foggy after a night of being around drunk smoky bar patrons and dodging creepy men. The older I get, the more carefree I feel, yet I feel more grounded than ever. I still worry about not having checked everything off of my bucket list. I fear that I "didn't" make the most of my 20s. That I should have traveled more, advanced my career quicker, made more friends, or had more general life experiences.

In some ways, this year, I felt like I had made up for a lost time. I took trips by myself, went to new museums, dated around, started this blog, went to a load of shows, founded and decorated an apartment all by myself.

There are other ways I am bothered with where I am at. It is a lot of self-imposed pressure to have my life more figured out and put together. I worry at times that I missed milestones that I have felt I should have met by now. It is arbitrary, but the feeling is natural. 

I have learned that life is a process, and it doesn't end at 29. Being present makes life more wonderful and memorable, even in the mundane activities of staying in on a Friday night and watching old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Creating seasonal playlists that match both the weather and the vibes of a particular season. Seeing my best friend's son feed birthday cake to his dog. Sleeping in on my days off while the sun shines into my bedroom.

I don't know what the next year holds for me. There will be ebbs and flows like there was this past year, much like the seasons that have their changes.

Birthday Cupcake. Dec. 8, 2021. Photo by Margaret Burke.